Spiritual Disciplines for Couples

This is kind of a random post, but I recently had a pastoral interaction over email that I have probably a couple times a year. It is usually fairly emotional and filled with frustration and/or a sense of failure and shame. The question involves couples that are trying to develop some shared spiritual practices, usually framed as "devotions." A man and a woman from our congregation are in a relationship that has developed over the last year. They are trying to learn what it means to seek God together. No frustration or shame here, just eagerness - which is really good. Regardless of the emotional tone, what he asks is a question that I have heard in both marriage preparation counseling sessions, in marriage counseling sessions, and in emails like the one I share with you now.

"We've been talking for a while about wanting to be more intentional about our faith together, and I've been trying trying to figure out some ways we can do that. We've been making efforts to pray together more consistently, so that's something. We were also thinking about saving an hour or so on Sundays to read something/discuss/pray. Obviously my idea of how this should look is very open. I'm wondering if you could suggest any particular practices, books, etc. As I said, I'm open to any ideas. Let me know what you think. Thanks!"

And here is what I wrote back to him.

"That is a good question, and not one that I am sure that I have a good answer for. Most couples I know have struggled to find a good way to answer this question. I do know a few people that have navigated these waters successfully, but I know many more who have tried and wounded one another significantly. Mimi and I do not have common devotional practices, besides sharing public worship and service to our children. I once had a pastor share with me that doing such things is very difficult because we are often attracted to someone who is very different than we are and as a result the way in which we experience and practice the presence of God, and express it in our personalities, is likewise different (at best) and threatening (at worst). That can be good or bad, but it is always challenging emotionally because our spiritual lives are such a place of intimacy and thus, vulnerability. That is not to say it shouldn't be undertaken but rather to say it should be attempted with gentleness, low expectations, and humility. I do think the spiritual practice of conversation can be a really good one to develop, especially if you will listen to one another as you talk about your own journey, what you are learning, and how you experience God, etc. Also serving God by serving others together can be a really healthy way to engage one another, and it also sets the relational precedent that you are focused not just on your own inward life in God, but how that inward life gets express outwardly as well. Reading a book together can be good, but likewise challenging if one is a reader and the other is not. Anyway, I guess my counsel is to try a few things, have fun, laugh, and do it all with a recognition of God's presence among you. I hope that helps."

I share it now with the hope that it might invite some interaction on this topic. What is your experience? And for those who are not married, do you have friendships where you intentionally share spiritual practices?

Comments

[jonathan perrodin]

I would have to agree that trying to read the Bible with someone--anyone--is going to be tough. We don't normally do activities of personal devotion with another, because well they are personal times. But something we do, do with others, are the the communal practices; be it eating or hangingout together where communication is the central feature not an activity. Or rather a service time. I know that for my wife and myself our best times our after hosting friends for an evening, when we have done all the dishes and can sit on the couch and just simply enjoy that short moment. Serving others definitely helps us to realize what is so great about our relationship is, in ways that never come about through simply being alone with that person.

[Josh F.]

I admit that when I saw what this post was about, I was excited. This is something that my wife and I have struggled with. We have tried several different approaches on how to “grow together spiritually” but without much coming of it. We have read books, devoted specific time to reading the bible and prayer, but nothing ever seemed to really fit what we expected. What seems to work for us is kind of basic; we talk about life. We talk about what we are thinking w/o the expectation of our own ideas being affirmed, but challenged or stretched. We talk about everything (or at least try to) from what we have been thinking, to what we have heard or seen. I am eager to hear others thoughts on this. Where does the idea come from? Is it culturally based or does it have roots in the bible? I know that Paul says something about the husband being the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (Eph 5), but what does that look like, particularly in Spiritual leadership?

[matt]

Hi Tim,

Thanks so much for this post. I think a lot of couples experience much guilt over this subject. I think men especially, who are supposed to be the "spiritual leaders," develop a sense of failure in their position and resolve to give up on their ideals of being the "Godly head" of a "Godly family." Ok, I say couples and men, but I guess I really mean me. Most pastoral sources will give you a formula for developing a spiritual life as a couple. It usually involves a prescribed amount of prayer together, “doing a devotional,” whatever the heck that means, and talking about spiritual things. Rebecca and I tried some of those things at the beginning of our marriage, but they always seemed forced, unfruitful, and often seemed like one person was trying to “teach” the other. The only good we really felt from the practices was that we got to check something off. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. There probably was some spiritual connection going on. So, I guess over time we sort of gave up on that, and pursued spiritual practices on our own. I think some of this stems from both of us being first-borns. A couple of perfectionists butting heads. A few bright spots did come from when I found books that I read on my own. After a couple weeks Rebecca would say something like, “Hey, I found that book you’re reading on the table. I’ve started in on it too. I kind of like it.” That would turn into casual, informal conversations about what we did and didn’t like about it. It was actually kind of neat. We had gotten to a point, though, where we weren’t connecting much, spiritually or otherwise. Rebecca was more keen to this than I was. She suggested, strongly, that every night after we put the kids to bed, instead of turning on the TV right away, we take like 20 minutes and just talk. No agenda, no focus, no goal, just talk. So, for the last few weeks, that’s what we’ve done. And man, even without an intentional spiritual focus, I feel like we are connecting, spiritually and otherwise, better than we have in years. Reading your post sort of frees me up to be ok with this, along with us trying to serve each other and having fun with each other, as being legitimate ways of being spiritual together and developing a Godly core to our family. I love it when we have fun together. I guess that’s part of it, huh? I guess this sort of relates to raising Godly children too, huh? Family devotions or no family devotions? Teach by teaching, or teach by example? Maybe that’s fodder for another post. Anyway, thanks for being convicting and freeing at the same time.

Matt

[Joe Bum]

I really appreciate these timely words, as they are very timely to me. My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and in reflection the only practice that has grown and worked for us has been a discipline in disguise, conversation. We do not pray, read, fast, etc together, but we love to talk about what we think, feel, and experience God.

Thanks for the wisdom.

[Taryn S.]

This post is so validating. I don't know that my husband and I have ever prayed together outside the context of church or some other group worship in the nine years we've been together, and I can't tell you how many times my Christian friends have been shocked (and judgemental) at this. Now my husband and I have dealt with this and eventually came to our own understanding of having different spiritual journeys and that being a good thing! Thank you for presenting a message on this that feels true for me and is different than what I have heard in the past.

[Pat]

Tim,
What I like about your approach is the idea that we may already be doing shared disciplines without realizing it. Things like eating together and caring for children together can be very spiritually forming. Once we realize this we can then become more intentional about viewing them as disciplines of spiritual formation.